If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing?
Why do people say, "You can’t have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can’t eat it?
Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn’t be more fun to eat a big one?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Why do people call it an ATM machine, don’t they know they’re really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
If the weather man says "it’s a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It’s fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately ". Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing". So I didn’t dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them. I think it was the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe, which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind of silly in the middle of the day. I can’t say it improved the rice anyhow.
They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - Its an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees are:
1.) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
2.) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4.) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
5.) Employee in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas presumed a leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two "technicians" from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of the warehouse up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter, being at the exact center of the resulting melee, was virtually untouched by the explosion. The "technician" suspected of causing the blast, had never been thought of by his peers as "all there."
And the Winner:
6.) Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome, Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the post of the ball washer was more than strong enough to support his body weight, and his sack was the weakest link. Sanchez’s scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez then broke a new $300.00 graphite shaft driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was attempting to use as a cane. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
This last one wouldn’t normally count, because the golfer didn’t die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
Dobra, dobra. Chwila. Chcesz sobie skomentować lub ocenić komentujących?
Zaloguj się lub zarejestruj jako nieustraszony bojownik walczący z powagą